Silicone 101
5 Pieces of Relationship Advice From A 10+ Year Relationship!
The clock hit midnight, and I rolled over to meet the expected nightly image: my partner’s tilted, drooling, undisturbed face. It’s comforting, it’s familiar, and… it’s annoying. I pulled the king-size comforter back to my side with the strength of 10 horses. The brick didn’t even budge. My vain attempt was quickly thwarted by a wobbly kick to my shin. I rolled back over grumbling and reflecting on my choices (this is where my relationship advice comes in handy).
To my people who share a bed… you know the routine.
Oh relationships… sometimes they’re soo smooth, and other times… well, you get kicked in the shin.
A little backstory
My partner and I (monogamous couple) are looking forward to celebrating our 12th year anniversary. Being high-school sweethearts our world and views have been molded through the very specific lens of being together. Our relationship has survived some tough times. Throughout, we have received many questions about our relationship: How does one keep things from getting too stale? How do you work out your differences? How did you not manage to grow apart? They often sound like the headlines on the cover of a cosmo magazine.
In this article, I will be going through some of my tips on how I stay grounded and happy.
Ground Rules
I will be the first to say that relationships ARE NOT easy. They take work! After that 1-2 year honeymoon phase, life starts. Maybe you decided to move to the same city, moved in together, or are thinking about/having children. Nonetheless, life moves fast and now your lives are entangled…and not always blissfully, so what’s next?
Before I go over my top tips, I want to be sure to mention that we are all very unique in our experiences. I am speaking to my specific experience in a monogamous relationship, yours might look different and that’s okay too! I am sure a lot of these tips can help anyone trying to work more in sync and build better communication habits.
You and therefore your relationship will not have the same underlying values or quirks as mine but you’ll find what works (and what does not work) for you! We are all wonderfully original, but it is also good to note that sometimes relationships just don’t work out. Please do not use this advice to justify staying in toxic relationships, please be sure to put your safety first!
Problem: Relationships are hard and can be overwhelming.
Life is a long, complex journey with various twists and turns. We all have different complex pasts and unique motivations, you will NOT always be on the same page. Humans have the wonderful ability to think abstractly and create our own ideas and personal values. In your relationship, situations will eventually highlight conflicting values: ex. which culture(s) you’d rather be immersed in, the type of home(s) you want to live in, the clothing you wear, the method of transportation you choose, etc. Sometimes, we can easily compromise, and others, well.. sometimes we can only emphasize because it is an ‘non-negotiable’.
Side note: everyone has non-negotiables.
These are core values you hold and will not abandon. These can be a political stance/attitude (ex. left or right-leaning), a lifestyle/goal (ex. having children or marriage), hobbies that are dear to you, etc. If you are reading this and are unsure of what they are I recommend some soul-searching. These are often essential to you staying grounded. Not having these can be a red flag indicating that you have a tendency to fawn or “people please”.
Relationship Advice #1: Understand that things will be tough and create solid boundaries.
Sometimes we overreact (even fight, flight or freeze) when we face situations that contradict what we see as ‘fundamental values’. People fall on different ends of the spectrum of morality, openness, patriotism, sexuality, simplicity et cetera and you need to remember that these values are what help shape our personalities. They are not solid, they are not unmoving and unchanging. These are often the things we love about our partner(s)!\
Communicate!
It is important to openly communicate the reasons you feel uneasy or have dissonance (actions not aligning with your beliefs) regarding a future or past decision. You also need to remember that you are still separate people, your values DO NOT have to match. You need to learn to compromise and work towards having them eventually work together, or sometimes all you can do is just tolerate it if you feel it is worth it (with a lot of therapy). It is very important that compromising is done on both sides and is not just one person continuously giving in to the other. Co-compromising is on both of you, your partner may have a tendency to cave in to keep you happy or the other way around, but that will end with them unhappy or even resentful if that trend continues.
Decide of it is worth it
Whatever the end result is, you get to decide if it’s worth staying in the relationship for. If it’s headbutting with your values and there’s no room for compromising, then it may be time to end the relationship. Stringing along a relationship with fundamental (those non-negotiables) issues can be opening you up to disaster.
Screen as soon as you can!
Sometimes it is good to screen core values in the dating process, if you highly value extroverts and openness to experience, and your partner would rather ignore the world with a book.. you’ll likely be in for a bumpier ride.
2. Problem: I am losing who I am.
You live together, maybe you have children, maybe you share a car, a bank account, or a pet. In a long-term relationship, things tend to get grey in terms of individuality. You’ve been together for so long, you can’t imagine life without your partner and now you are attached!
Attachement is normal and necessary!
This isn’t always a bad thing (watch for co-dependency and aggressive jealousy, those are bad). We should be healthily attached to many individuals in our life! Attachment is a bond between people, it’s often what we attribute to love. We become attached to our parents at a very early age, then our childhood friends, why should we view attachment to a romantic relationship any differently? Perhaps because there are multiple types of love and American society tends to put a focus on romantic love between adults (that’s enough for a whole other article). With your strong attachment and that ever-growing grey area, what happens if you start to feel your previous dreams slipping under your priority line?
Relationship Advice #2: Talk about the things you want!
Talk about the things you want! We all have dreams going into relationships, maybe you want children, or to go back to school to finish that Ph.D.! Maybe you wanted to connect with your family more or see every capital city in the world. You were your own person then, you had goals, hopes, and dreams before entering the relationship. Reminder: you still are your own person! It’s too easy to fall into the trap of “oh but now I am….” or “Well, I have to think about us”.Talking and opening communication lines early can help.
Screen, screen, screen! (…or talk if its too late for that)
Talking about personal aspirations can help you screen out dating candidates early! Finding someone with some dreams that match (or complement yours) can help you greatly. If you want to work from home or be a stay-at-home parent it is much easier with a partner who is supportive, interested in investing, has aspirations for a high income or has a dream of opening a business!
Sharing is more than caring!
Sharing your dreams early on can also pave the way for other milestones in the relationship: do you want children, do you plan on traveling? If your partner gives a hard no, it might not work out in the long run (remember those non-negotiables?). Don’t be afraid to walk away from individuals who are not interested in compromise, you’ll save yourself the heart-wrenching pain of separating on good terms.
We are not puzzle pieces!
However, your lifestyle and habits will never match perfectly and it is important to value your partner’s hobbies and dreams as well. You may not like their gaming habits or expensive collections but it is important to discuss what these bring to your partner’s life. Maybe they like to escape with gaming or dabbling in some role-play to spice things up every now in then, or maybe they like feeling pampered to relax and practice self-care.
We all have our reasons!
We are complex in our reasons for indulging, so talk to your partner. If you still cannot come to an agreement, try other ways to compromise: 1. setting agreed-upon boundaries or limits (not with the purpose of being controlling), 2. try replacing the activities that still meet the partner’s needs (ex. you’re concerned about money, but your partner has a pampering need: look into swapping out expensive haircuts/beard trims with a cheaper service or the purchase of an at-home beauty kit).
You are both still separate humans with your own needs. You will not agree with every decision your partner makes. The sooner you realize this, the easier it is to not internalize your partner’s decisions.
3. Problem: We live together but don’t feel together.
Your life is your empire. You’ve invested your time and resources into building who you are, and your lifestyle today. This is no different from your relationships. Partners can be a very secure investment, they can be life partners and your best friend (if that is what you want). I’ve seen many couples married for 20+ years who have lived very separate lives and value their partners as convenient roommates or a necessity to pay bills. Build the life you want, together, on common ground. This doesn’t have to be a bank account or a family but a lifestyle that you share.
Relationship Advice #3: The more you build, the stronger your bond becomes.
Build with your partner. What does this mean? Share your life with your partner. You may be separate people but this doesn’t mean you need to keep the nitty-gritty details to yourself. Even if your partner isn’t the “breadwinner” or you’ve made the decision to buy something on your own, discuss things with your partner and value their input. Discussing things does not mean you must follow their recommendation, they are not there to parent you. Get your partner involved in your internal dialogue, they may provide insight or help you sort your thoughts. You may receive confirmation or get another perspective to reflect on before making your ultimate decision (not that you need their permission, but you are a team it doesn’t hurt to value their opinion).
There’s no one way to build!
The more you build a life WITH your partner, the stronger your bond with them becomes. You can allow them into your world to develop a deeply trusting relationship. The type of bond you build will be determined not only by your investment but also by your partner’s personality. Remember: simply spending time with your partner does not equal building, you need to be intentful. Deep bonds and/or trust-building at different rates for different people. Please keep in mind that some people may need time to heal from past trauma and may need you to practice more patience (keep up the communication even if you have to grit your teeth!).
4. Problem: I hate my husband.
A relationship will always be a battle between the good and bad that is life itself. You are going to love many parts of your partner, and there will be many habits, values, and actions that you do not. You will at some point want to shake them because you just cannot understand why they insert blank here.
Relationship Advice #4: Love is a decision you make daily
Practice being a navigator, which means actively choosing which side to feed (good or bad). This sounds abstract, but hear me out! When framing yourself as ‘a navigator’ you’ll be more attentive to how you react, the words you speak, and how you’ll remember the conversation. When your spouse leaves their dirty socks on the floor for the 105689th time, take a breath and become a navigator!
Things to think about as a navigator:
- Why you’re upset.
- Are there any other factors that could be intensifying your emotions (ex. bad day, a recent event, or even a subtle reminder of childhood trauma)?
- How will your knee-jerk reaction impact your future thoughts about your partner?
- How will your words/negative thoughts affect your relationship or either of your mental health?
- Are you’re going to remember this as ‘another negative’ or a lesson in communication?
Love is a decision you make daily. As a navigator, you get to choose if you’re going to come from a loving, communicative side or a nasty, spiteful side. This doesn’t mean you can’t ever feel frustrated! This doesn’t mean you’ll always be blissful and full of sunshine. This means you will try to not judge them and will actively seek out ways to communicate and compromise.
Trying to remember the good over the bad
Humans unfortunately have a negativity bias. Bad experiences are more readily available to us, meaning they’re easier to remember. Your brain is a survival tool above all else. It wants you to live and the best way to do that is to avoid danger. For this reason, it holds on to bad experiences longer and more vividly than non-threatening positive ones. This can get you and your partner in a rut. Practice complimenting your partner when they do something well. Positive reinforcement helps with self-confidence and makes communication easier.
5. Problem: The spark is gone.
As years go by and that grey area grows. Your partner is always there, you are comfortable and they can start to feel less than ‘fresh’. A monotonous life of work, school, kids, chores, you name it, can slowly dwindle the strongest flame. Maybe you don’t feel you have the time, maybe you keep getting interrupted but you no longer look at your spouse in awe, but with apathy or exhaustion.
Relationship Advice #5: Be intentional
You need to be intentional. Love is not an inherent, endless current. Romance movies tell us love should feel like a fountain of comfort and euphoria bursting from our chests but this is far from true. Like any human emotion/motivation love comes in waves. It grows and shrinks like the peaks of a wave. It will come and go like the tide. Emotions inside you are maintained by your mindstate and situation.
Leave room for love!
The brain is very efficient, and is constantly seeking to re-prioritize. If you are not actively looking for, and open to feeling love you will stop priotitizing it (use it or you’ll lose it!). Now, this doesn’t mean you should try to force yourself to be in a constant state of bliss (remember, your emotions work in waves so thast would be like trying to hold onto the ocean). This means you need to schedule time or activites to intentionally love your parnter and actually practice loving them. Set aside time for compliments, date nights, acts of kindess (learn about their love language and cater to it). If you are not intentional with them, you can easily lose touch as time flies by.
Conclusion
We all live very busy lives and time never stops. It is important to be mindful of all relationships in your life (not just the romantic ones). Building a strong relationship requires you to have realistic expectations, boundaries and maintain an open channel of communication. It requires you to build in the same direction while practicing loving and cherishing each other in a direct, intentional way.
As I mentioned, this is all based on my previous knowledge of psychology and personal experience. This may not resonate with everyone, but can be a great guideline for many. If you’d like to see more content like this please connect and share your thoughts! Comment or reach out via instagram or the contact us page!
